How ironic that the title of the blog is happenings and gratitude, because not only have we had tons of happenings since the last post, but today I was just thinking about how showing gratitude and counting my blessings is a new attitude I need to have in life right now, and truly how grateful I am for so many things. I was searching for my hard copy journal, and sad to admit, but it's been a while since I've written and couldn't find it for the life of me, at which point I remembered I have this online journal type thing and that I should turn here! Good thing I can't loose this either!

Life update...we have bought a house in Petal,Ms and couldn't be much happier with the area. We love the schools, our neighbors, the community, etc. Jason won the job here at USM and is now a tenure track professor. Jason was the EQ President, and I the YW President for almost all of the first year here in Petal, and then he was called as the Bishop of the Petal Ward in August, 2012. This has created the opportunity for many challenges and blessings for our family, but I feel like I have focused so much on the realities this calling brings (you can call me Realistic Rachel or Practical Priscilla, but not so much Debbie Downer in my mind!), and have dealt with many ups and downs, quite extreme in the downs unfortunately.

I was released and called as the Primary Pianist, and snuck out of Primary during sharing time to sneak into RS. Now, I know I can put more effort spiritually into just about every part of my life right now, and I continue to rationalize myself out of putting much of anything into it, but I have continued to go through the most visible motions, and have fasted, without much purpose or direction the last 2 months, hence I've gotten very little out of the experience- more than anything, I'm just worn out so many days, and even though i'd been discouraged from ducking out of Primary when I'm not playing, I felt like I really wanted to today, so I did, and the message I heard (read, "not the lesson really being given") was that I needed to be more grateful in my life. This seemed to be an answer to an unprayed prayer. The whole idea of seeking to see the hand of the Lord in my life each day, is something I need to try out at this time of my life. This year my birthday falls on Thanksgiving, a very appropriate coincidence and chance to make a goal to make this year filled with me giving thanks to Heavenly Father, my family and those around me. And so, here is to more soon to come posts on gratitude!

I just completely lost it with Ben and feel horrible. When I hear or see Jason yell I just cower and know he in no way wants to be doing that, and has some how lost control. I feel so sad and ashamed for kids when their parent loose that control, and although I don't do it very often at all, I just had the mother tantrum all geared at him and know that I can't ever do that again. I need to come up with a plan of how I will respond the next time he pushes and pushes and pushes and pushes these buttons. I know he is exhausted and not thinking clearly, but, how can I keep my senses about me? I really believe that a part of this misbehavior is to see if I still love him despite how horrible he is acting. He is testing and proving my love, because I have lost it with him more than any of our other children so far, and by far, and he needs to know that my love is real and constant. Does he just need more hugs and love and kindness- do we need more spiritual experiences, do I need to get down with him each day Caitlin is at school and play before TV/shower time? I need to plug my ears from the screaming, kicking door, etc and offer a quick prayer for guidance and love- I need to make him a jar where he receives and looses marbles according to behavior to gain prizes- he needs more structure and routine, he needs love and hugs and special recognition- he needs friends...look into pmo for him at sacred heart once a week, or a class at the Y for him.

I'm just really grateful right now for some of the small things in life, and I know that when I take time to be grateful and enjoy the little things it makes me all the kinder and happier person to be around. Today I was so grateful to be able to go visit 2 sisters on my vting route. I am so fortunate to really feel a great love for the sisters I visit and enjoy being in their presence and talking not only about life, but also in having heartfelt discussions about what is important to us in living the gospel.

I recently read a very action-packed novel that had nothing really to do with this, but a few times, it posed the idea that to be a friend with someone you need two things, respect and trust. I feel like I can respect many people and seek those people out in being friends, however, I feel like I place my trust in very few. This is something I would like to work on, and need to open my heart and seek to understand myself better in this way so that I might truly develop more lasting friendships. This is why I think I still feel such a love and connection with Lindsey and Cassie- I feel like I placed greater trust in them than almost any other individual. I also feel like I was honest and trusted Vickie with seeing who I really am, and still feel a desire to stay in touch with her on a very open and honest front. I want to work on this.

Although I knew Jason was having a difficult go of it at home with the 3 kids, I was able to finish those visits. When I came home, both Caitlin and Ben were in Halloween costumes, but not this years...last years, which made me smile and laugh. I could tell how happy it made them and I'm so grateful that Jason could see that as well and helped them get dressed up. Maybe we should do a dress up play trunk for Christmas!

Ben went to nursery today and I only had to stay with him for 5 minutes to get him to feel comfortable and then sneak out. He stayed the rest of the time with no tears!

I started nursing Maggie in RS just as the lesson was finishing and the time was then turned to the sisters for bearing their testimonies. This almost always leads to a few stretches of quiet before individuals will get up, and leaves quiet gaps in between as well. Maggie just happens to be one of the noisiest nursers I've ever heard, and somehow spared all her monstrous burps! A few sisters looked back at me in the corner and just smiled as Maggie made her cat-like sounds and 'squeaky' gate noises as ya-ya calls them. Jason has asked me before if he things she is okay when she is nursing, and I tell him there is no way for me to turn down the speed in which the milk comes out, so she just has to figure it out.

Anyway, a few thoughts